Warning: Triggering af. Satirical of some sort.
If you don’t know how to take a joke, I suggest closing this tab immediately. I made this list based on my observations.
Here we are, back at it again with Part 2 of the Satire How to’s!
First things first, get that hair tapered bro. Tell your hairdresser, not barber cause that’s for cheap people, to shave your sides using #1, and then have them trim your top to about 3 to 4 inches. Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without styling it with some greasy pomade. Pull it back as hard as possible till your skull shows, and then using the middle of your eye ball, use that as reference to split your hair in opposite direction.
Slim Fitting Long-Line/Extended Shirts
Since you have to be different from the rest while still displaying your skinny or flabby biceps, rib hugging extended shirts are the way to go. How long you say? As long as it doesn’t go past your knees, you good bro. *smirks*
Sweatpants/Fear of God Inspired Ripped Jeans
As long as Kanye West or Justin Bieber wears them, it’s a hit no matter the difference in your body shapes. I mean, who cares if they look good on you or not, at least it’s brand power right?
Latest Hypebeast Sneakers
Retro Numbered Jordans, Yeezys, Boost Trainers, Vapormax’s, you name it. As long as it’s the trend, you gotta buy it through your parents’ credit card. Make sure to double up as well so you can resell the other one at a ceiling-high price.
Those are mainly split into many categories: Dad Hat, Fake Glasses, Braces, Gold Chain, Rastaclat or the latest iPhone from a postpaid plan that your parents are paying for. The Dad Hats need to be streetwear af, so get those famous ones like Anti-Social Social Clubs, or the great Yeezus.
Never, ever speak filipino without applying an accent. I don’t know how to emphasize that using words, but basically, call your friends ‘Broooooooooooouuuuuuw’, and always talk about the most recent expensive thing you have bought, be it clothes, a new game for your PS4 or your date with your #hypebae.
That’s it for this one, thanks for reading and I hope I made you laugh, bye!